Idle thoughts.

School is sucking the life out of me like a dementor. The only difference being - no amount of happy thoughts can save me this time round. I feel defeated. Like there's so little reason for me to keep going when almost every single day it's just mindless cramming of information into my pea-sized brain. What's the point really? I enjoy learning and dare I say it, studying (at times) but not to the extent of having to overload my brain with chapter after chapter of blurry information.

It's almost mission impossible - this task of completing 8 chapters of Biopyschology. Each chapter has an average of 30 pages. I take at least half an hour to fully understand one page. One friggin' page!!! Currently, I'm only up till the third chapter. The exam is on Thursday. Do the math and you'll realise how screwed I am. Oh yes, and my midterms for Psycholinguistics is on Wednesday, which sadly I haven't even started studying for.

Aside from the ranting, I am really sorry that others have the burden of filling in for my incompetency. I look at the work schedule/ time sheets and crumble inside. It feels horrible knowing that Qixin and Venus are working their guts off because I'm caught up with school. This feeling really sucks. I know that I can't just walk away like that, but times like this - I wish I could. It makes me wonder how some people make alternating between commitments seem almost effortless.

I just wanna apparate away to a school where exams aren't as important as your survival skills, and I get to play Quidditch every day. Is Hogwarts accepting Muggles (muggers) anytime soon?

Random sidenote: the shopping bug has bitten again! They don't call it retail therapy for nothing. ;)

fattyacids and lipids

Baby, you're a Fattyblob. 

Come on let your lipids burst!~ (sung to the tune of "Fireworks")

I IZ OGRE.

check out my fat face seriously. omg, no wonder none of my friends wanna meet me. seriously considering plastic surgery, kthxbai.

alternatively, i could just leave the house with my head fully wrapped.
with a blanket, no less.

p/s: I went running yesterday, and the sole of my shoe came off. It glided down the threadmill, and that was the first and last of my workout. Demoralized.

the world's so much bigger than you and me

Heard a series of depressing news today, and it suddenly hit me: The fact that we're all alive and breathing is already a blessing in itself, what more can we ask for? Perhaps we often get so caught up with the difficulties in life that we feel worthless, frustrated and blame life for being screwed up. But I guess there's nothing better than being a healthy living being. I'll remember to give thanks for that.


So many things on my mind. But it's better that it stays right where it is. 

Damn you inferiority complex.

Feeling downright lousy about myself right now. Today's such a bad day. Everything just came crumbling down at once. First was after getting back my english journal. It was one of the lowest grades I've ever gotten so far. My persuasive essay is currently in the drafting period, but I don't have high hopes for it either. yy my hpy (haopengyou) promised he'd help me make it more persuasive; and so did kangy the bff. qp already helped me go through it once despite having her own work to do, so thanks babe! really appreciate your help. I feel awful asking people for help but honestly, I need all the help I can get now. Plus this essay is the last one so it determines whether I get an A or not. I cannot afford to get lousy grades at this stage, yet it seems like suddenly I am just doing very badly, as compared to my peers. :'(

Also upset that I will probably fail my CSE quiz. My life seems so bleak now.

Fuck if I'm not smart, at least let me be pretty? Or at least have some useful skills like cooking? Why the fuck am I such a loser.

If life wants to be a bitch, at least make sure it's a cute one please.

p/s: playing mambo songs on loop makes me feel slightly better now T_T

This too shall pass.

Hello y'all! Greetings from my new sexy baby macbook pro! :) Forgive me, but I have camwhoring photos to post! Couldn't resist. Omg, my first laptop with in-built webcam lehz. So happy, teehee. Now it's so easy to camwhore - either alone or with friends. :D These photos are pretty backdated though. I haven't had time to post them ever since I got my new laptop. Heh. (Y)

Taken on the very first day I got my babygirl. 

Jo, I was wearing the Blonde shirt you gave me! :D 

CNY visiting! Angbao monehs :)

Heehee, my grandpa gave us that $100 bill. His angbao is always the biggest every year.

Made elmo camwhore with me. He was quite happy to do so, as you can tell from his :D face

Was showing my bro the rollercoaster effect and he gamely posed with me!

Idk why I always pretend to be so happy to be on a "rollercoaster" lol 

I felt really down today cause of my math mid-terms. Kinda know that I'd fail. Really disappointed la, cause I studied rather hard for the chapter 3. :'( Worst thing is that I went in feeling pretty confident. Sianz. 60 marks leh. How am I gonna pull up my bloody grade now? Fml.

I asked Peter Kuan if he could mark leniently, and he said no with a happy smile. Lol. Thanks ahhh. Oh wells, like everyone will say, it's already over so no point brooding about it. But you know the frustration when you don't perform up to expectations despite the amount of effort you've put in? That's what gets to me the most. :'(

Urgh can't wait to clear all the papers! Burden only. Then I can go have fun with my jizzyfamily, qp, qixin, and the usuals! :) I can't wait to go clubbing! *does hand gesture* Badly need a breather man.

Oh yeah, I might be dropping one tuition kid, or cutting down to once a week. Still pending. But I'm really reluctant to give up my kiddo although sometimes he really drives me up the wall. He is still rather cute when he tells me about his school and asks me questions about my life at times. Sigh. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

I am an onion. I will make you cry!

I don't know what can make me smile anymore. This week will be hell, but next week will be worse than hell so I dare not imagine. Four tests to prepare for, namely psychology midterm, computer, english and math quiz. Why does time fly by so quickly? :'( I shouldn't even be here blogging, since there's a journal to write. But really, I just need a major break. Please let me be able to go diving because I need a sweet escape! :') *inserted this weird contradictory smiley to show that I do feel better at the thought of diving*

People can be so anal-retentive and humourless sometimes. It irks me to no end, really. Makes me appreciate my friends even more so now, because it's only with the selected few that I can be myself, knowing they wouldn't judge me in spite of all my flaws. Well it's really hard to make friends for me, because I really won't bother trying to impress anyone here. If you don't wanna try getting to know me better, and have already formed your judgment on me then so be it. There's no point changing myself to suit you.(: I don't need friends like that anyway. Me iz coolz like that worz! (Hahahahha no wonder I got no friends la!) 

Kay la, despite it all, I do have Jolynn and annoying YY to keep me company most of the time. So that's good, and that's all I need. :) 

Happier entry soon. This entry makes me wanna puke.

Oh on a random sidenote since this entry has an onion, here's a chatlog of the convo between yy and me today:

Yíyang says:
 Why are you an onion
estella. says:
 because i can make u cry
 HAHAHAHA OMG YAY SOMEONE FINALLY ASKED
Yíyang says:
 Hahahaha
 Wtf
 Is there more to that?
estella. says:
 Haha
 why?
 do u want an essay supporting my thesis statement?
Yíyang says:
 A paragraph would do lol
estella. says:
 An onion is known to have a magical ability of being able to induce tears in others when feeling threatened or hurt itself. Its self protective mechanism has been known to ward off many kinds of evil, and even the vampires are said to be scared of onions due to its amazing ability.

This is not really an update, but.

I'm growing fatter and fatter lately, and it's not even funny anymore. Doesn't help that all my girlfriends are hot. Really.

I hate my face. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO MUCH.

More pictures when I become slimmer. Which will be never. HAHAHA. Kthxbai.

I remember the rain pouring down.

As most of you already know, I failed my TP. Yes I decided to be brave like my jizzyjelly and be frank about it, instead of hiding in a hole, like my usual self. :) True, I feel pretty lousy about it. I feel stupid, more than ever now. Really dread seeing my instructor again. But mostly, it just feels like I've wasted my parents' money and let them down so badly this time.

BUT, thank you all lovelies for the text messages, and the comforting words. If it wasn't for you guys, I would have been damn depressed for the whole of today. Sorry if my messages were kinda half-hearted though. I was still tryna get over the initial disappointment when the messages poured in. Heheh. Well it rained immediately after I was done with my TP btw. Talk about bad omens huh? Hahah. The rain was good though. After tuition, I slept from 5 all the way until 9. :p Again, thank you to those who texted/called to wish me good luck, and to comfort me. I love you guys long time! :)

Actually, before and during the test, I was surprisingly not nervous. I read a mag, waited for my turn, and when it was my turn, strolled down to get my car. Then my tester came, and he was WAYYY NICER than my instructor, which calmed me down even more. He would tell me clearly where to go, which lane to turn into, and when there are cars coming, he would even tell me if I should stop or go ahead. The downer was when I had to do my vertical parking. It's like some curse, cause my vertical parking is usually one-time can already. But somehow I took 3 tries to park the car properly. First two tries resulted in hitting the kerb. I panicked a little, and forgot to check my blind spot on my third try. Minus ten points for that.

Subsequent stupid mistakes included "failure to give way to take precaution against pedestrians". I was turning out of BBDC, when this woman dashed out to cross the side road. Eight points, knn. Okay I'm lazy to talk about the rest but on the roads I did fine, just that fail already lor. Haha. He minus me marks for some things that I felt were unfair though. Like I checked my blindspot on the road, but he never see, and then said I was checking my mirror only. :( HE ALSO NEVER TEST ME ON EMERGENCY BRAKE LEH :O or is it cause I'm really that blur and he tapped but I never notice? I saw his hand hovering near the dashboard once and I was wondering when he will tap it, but he never so I ignored him. Hahaha. Shit.

Sigh, I will try harder next time now that I've a clear idea of what it's like!

Sheesh, only God knows how awful I feel this week. :( Nevermind, I shall not think about everything! But I feel so shitty that if i shat, I betcha the toilet bowl will overflow. I kid you not! Seriously, I can go type in FML already, hahahaha.

Got them hunger pangs again!!! I think it's cause Soup Spoon's *upsized* soup + bun isn't enough to feed Estella the fatty. :(

Anyway, I'm on my laptop now and I found some really GROSS pictures of me in year one. :( Photos that I've long forgotten about. Urgh they were so gross that I puked my dinner out, then swallowed it back again. :(( And that's not even half as disgusting as the photos.

(Hey aren't you guys my friends! Friends are supposed to tell friends when they look like an utter piece of shit, right?)

ZOMGWTHBBQFML, I can't believe no one told me how fat and fugly and ridiculously disgusting I was! Am surprised I still have friends left, heheheh. I guess the ones who stayed are not superficial afterall! *winks*

So I shall be very brave and post a decent fat photo of me here. Not many people will do this, so brace yourself!!!!

still don't think this is a worthy fat picture?

check this out:

WHOA. HAHAHAHA.

Okay, I can sense a few friends leaving me already.

Everything in that photo is just wrong. My fat face... and fat body... and ugly hair. :(

Sigh. :(((( I need to start exercising again. Or else...

STUPID SPACEMAN!

oh my love it's you that i dream of

OMGWTHBBQ. I cannot believe myself. What is wrong with my stupid puny brain that led me to think that it is still JUNE, and that there's still weeks before Jo flies off?! :( I feel like crying already. My life sucks. I am stupid and I got pwned by myself. No wonder.... all my dates are like messed up and everything is overlapping. I've been writing in the empty boxes in the June section of my organiser though it's already JULY. FML seriously.

Now there's hardly any more time left. ;( I am sadgal89.

Om nomnom.

I am the unluckiest girl on Earth. 'Nuff said.

Hmm, probably because I'm also the klutziest.

Misery loves company, you know? Wanna keep me company?
Hahaha. Omg, I'm good at pickup lines. D:

Please come now I think I'm falling.

For the 100035873892th time, I don't know what to say anymore. Nor what to expect or do.
The only thing I know is that I'm just this close to letting myself down again.

For the 493538795380117428th time, my instinct tells me to run away from everything and build up that wall again. I need some time off to sort out my thoughts and feelings, but I'll only take awhile this time, promise.

---

Oh, and btw, Creed's 'One Last Breath' is amazing. Qixin's introduction; but it's an old song. Nonetheless, awesome song choice, I'd say.


Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

now you know the way i feel.

Seems like naivety makes up 30% of me, while water takes up the other 70%.

The human body cannot function properly without water, and yet here I am wasting it away, over stupid and naive thoughts.

Yesterday- it was o-kay at first, just sitting at home, playing pretend with myself, and watching the words I wanted to say play hide-and-seek. It was okay, and I was okay. Then came midnight, and I thought, 'This is it, Sadness forgot to visit me afterall. It's time I stopped waiting up for him and catch some sleep.'

So sleep I did.

Then morning came, but the sunshine never did. I saw Sadness sleeping by my side, and so I asked him, "Hey, what took you so long?" It was dark and gloomy, and worse, chilling even. But he didn't say a thing; just shrugged, before turning away to sleep again.

---

Don't wanna make it awkward for everyone, but I don't wanna pretend either.

Well it doesn't take a scientist to decipher what is it that's bugging me because really, I'm sick and tired of being cryptic - or at least, trying to be. I just want to be able to say what I mean and mean what I say, is that so wrong? But please please, don't mention that name right now because it'll set me off; really it will. Won't you all just play along and pretend this is nothing until I'm ready to talk about it? I've got much to say but not now, and not here definitely.

PS: If I'm not able to blog any happier entries (I feel obligated to somehow), I might have to run away just for awhile. Sorry for taking the cowardly way out again, but I think a hiatus will do me good. :)

don't you know her heart by now?


真的痛了

Bad days exist so that good days do too. :)

Dear Estella,

Honestly I don't know who you are sometimes. What is this ugly monster that is dwelling inside you, growing with each day, clawing at your insides to get out? Why do you allow such a terrible feeling to hang around you as though it's your good old pal? This is not good company, and I have to warn you before things get out of hand my dear. Stop giving in to that monster because it's bad for you. That monster - it's a sweet talker. It twists words round and round just so you would fall into the trap, and believe in whatever it has to say. But no, don't believe it because all it wants is to see you to fall into that pitch black hole again. It's time you stopped giving in to the monster. Just let it go. Set it free. Be strong, take heart my dear.

What are these evil seeds of thoughts that you've been planting in me, trying to weaken me into making impulsive and selfish decisions? Just so you know, I will not waver, and you can keep planting those seeds for all you want, but I will refuse to water them.

I'll allow you a few hours of sadness, but that's it. After tonight, you're going to have to snap back to being cheery and carefree, even if it means singing the hippo song to yourself a dozen times tomorrow morning or downing a hearty breakfast that will make your tummy come out to play. You are not allowed to wallow to sorrow, hear me? You are not allowed to make use of me to replay events that you know will make you upset all over again, alright?

After you've read this note, I'm sure you'd have felt much better already. Hey, no obligation okay, but be happy will ya?

You know I love you. Now go sleep.


With love,
The Brain

---

(As quickly as lightning, Anger comes and leaves in a huff; while Guilt rumbles along slowly like an old man, careful to dwell for as long as possible, filling in the void that Anger has left behind.)

just one silly photo of me chasing gennybee to show that i'm okay,
so don't worry for me please.
i just need a place to vent and air my thoughts, the way people air their armpits clothes.
:)

Internship:

probably feels like getting knocked over by a truck? Repeatedly.

Why is it that sometimes despite your very best efforts to keep a relationship going, it just feels like you're clutching at straws, trying to make sense of something that you can no longer understand?

It feels dreadful.

Am I just that bad at keeping people by my side?

I'm so tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Drained of everything. So me gonna sleep already. Forgive the ramblings. Tmr will be a tiring better day.

Skip Your Turn.

I've got good and bad news.
But you can't choose which you wanna hear first. Hahaha.

The Bad

I've gotten my IAP posting already. it's from 9am to 6.30pm at this ulu pandan area called club street. the pay's pretty shitty too- $450 (the bare minimum). and I'm pretty sad that I'll be all alone there with no other interns to talk to, but you know what? I've made up my mind. I will be thankful that at least, I got PR, which was my first choice. And I'm sure He has it all planned out for me already. :) So I'll just try to take things as they come.

With that said, I have to announce that my handphone has officially kicked the bucket and died on me. R.I.P my sleek and flat baby. :( I will try to revive you on Friday. Please do not forget me, your very sad and lost owner. I hope my contacts are intact! AHHH. I hate the whole asking-for-numbers process. Thank goodness there are only so few people I really need to contact. And I'm hoping some of the important messages will still be there. But if they get erased, then so be it. No point holding onto such fragile memories anyways. :)

The Good

One funny thing to share: I dreamt of my Hairybaby! :D I dreamt that my mum and I just reached home and I suddenly saw her at my house. And I exclaimed, " OMG WHY YOU NEVER TELL ME YOU COME BACK ALRD?" then in her running gear, she said, "Oh, cause I decided to go for a run first before I see you. Cause now I'm very fat." HAHAHAH. so funny! that stupid girl has been telling me she's fat since she left for China, so much so that I can even dream about it. :O But I have to add that in my dream, I wanted to roll my eyes cause she still looked as pretty and hot as before! :)

I spent the day at Jo's! :D We ran (not alot), made our strawberry cheesecake again, watched Hottie and Nottie, and just enjoyed each other's company throughout! Haha, or at least I enjoyed her company, she can't say the same for me I think. :P Cause I just kept making weird sounds and stringing incoherent sentences together. Lol. Can't believe we actually watched such a bimbotic show please. The best part was probably Paris lying on her bed with her lingerie on because she looks most comfortable and natural in that setting. LOL. I had the korean spicy maggie mee! And till now I'm still craving for it! I really love torturing her silly little mushroom. It makes me feel happy, especially when it started playing the piano for me. Hee hee. Thanks for having me over tall sis! Love you loads!

I am suddenly very intent on learning how to cable-ski! Now that Meehoo's reminded me on msn, I am gonna be very persistent about trying this sport this holiday. :) I'm so excited! Really wanna try it out! :D and hopefully, one day I'll get to learn wakeboarding too. So fun please. YAY. Meehoo, please don't pangseh me okay. We really should try to learn something we haven't done before!

Other stuff that I wanna do:

• run a 10km marathon with Jo before we are old and fugly
  
• dance dance dance (reggae, hiphop, jazz, lyrical jazz/hiphop, POLEDANCING HAHAHA)
• kayak again
• go cycling
• bake cupcakes :D
• tennis/badminton

I'm so proud of this particular girlfriend of mine for doing the right thing! :) I dedicate a lifetime worth of cupcakes and happy pills to you. HAHAHHAHA :P I'll make you a pretty cake next time okay! :D

BYE WORLD!
smell my dirty but happy feet! :)

Maybe I'm wrong.

Been sneezing away for the whole day now. Terrible terrible red nose :(
Must be due to my sleep debt. Sigh.

My lovely mummy sponsored me a pretty red bag as an early birthday present, when I called her asking if I could get it (with my own money) cause it costs $45, which I consider expensive for a bag since I can get one for about $25. I don't normally like buying expensive bags and wallets for myself cause my mother has inculcated her "auntie" values in me since young, and she doesn't like it when I disobey these values of hers.

But since my bag's strap has already snapped, and my old bag is a in pretty bad condition as it's slowly disintegrating, I figured it was a worthwhile investment to make. Furthermore, it came with a pouch (which I used for my ipod), and a free orange umbrella! So before I made a decision, I braved a phonecall to my mummy, telling the salesperson that I was afraid my mum would scold me. Lol. And I was so surprised that she was okay with it! OMG, not only that, she even agreed to buy it for me. How nice right?! :) I think no one will understand how I feel because no one knows the extent of my mother's thriftiness. But I'm contented anyway. :)

---
Because...
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
Sometimes I'm amazed. At how you'll get me again and again, and how I tell myself never to go back there ever again- yet I do. Somehow, in the end I guess it always comes back to you.
Sometimes I'm angry with myself. For being soft-hearted. For caring even when I know fully well you don't deserve it. For reserving that space for you inside, even though I know that such a hope will only get me down.
Sometimes I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm vulnerable. But what gets to me more is when you show that you're vulnerable too. Because then I cannot be as strong as I want to.

please be strong, so i can pretend i am too.

when i look at you, i see him staring through

Dilemma.

Would you rather lie and cover up for someone on the mere basis that the person's your friend,
or would you rather be honest to yourself?

my heart says no,
but my head speaks a firm resounding yes.

to the latter, i mean.

afterall, you've let me down far too many times.
i've given you many chances,
but what have i gotten back in return?

i'm sick of hearing your excuses,
sick of your "sorrys",
sick of promises that you'll change.

well i'm not gonna be so naive to believe you again.

if you think it's you,
then yes it's probably you.

guilty conscience?

BAD SHITTY DAY !

Aight! Just an entry to show that I'm still alive after the dive trip! :)
Anyone missed my presence? Haha. :/

Anyways, I really don't know where to start. The moment I reach Singapore, I'm bombarded with this whole list of things to do again. Really, there's no end to this. I'm so exhausted, even with the three day break from work. I think what I really need is a good one month away from school, just spending time with myself and a select few friends. A normal day for me now consists of running from one meeting to another, juggling projects, cca activities and meetings and more. I really am burnt on both ends of the candle. :( And I'm sorry if I snapped at you, or for my less-than-friendly moods because I really cannot take it anymore.

Everyone's expecting something of me. And it's hard, so damn hard to live up to their expectations. Not to mention my own.

What I don't like is when people make a hell lot of excuses to slack off, when others are there slogging twice as hard to cover their asses. I hate it. And I will show it plainly, because I'm not going to be stupid and nice to undeserving people. If you have a valid reason, I'll hear it. But if you have many "valid reasons", I call that excuses. Of course, those who've already worked with me before know that my bark is worse than my bite, and that if I do blow up, I get over it pretty fast too. At the end of the day, I just want everyone to do well and see that everyone is well-deserving of the grade that the group has achieved. Simple as that. So call me a bitch, call me whatever you want. I'm fine with it, as long as I know where I'm coming from.

With that said, my leg's pretty screwed up for now. I can't walk properly because there's an infection. And apparently, it's a pretty bad one. The doctor chided me for not seeing a doctor earlier, and for going diving with an open wound. I think the diving made it worse, cause the wound got scraped while other divers were finning. :( And I didn't dress the wound on the trip cause each time I went down, the bandage would drop.

Now the doctor has declared that I have to go back on Saturday for a follow-up, and if it's not getting better, I will be referred to a hospital. He even ordered me to stay at home for 3 days, which is absolutely ridiculous because I cannot afford to have the luxury of rest, especially not when all the deadlines are nearing. I have my course of antibiotics, and cream, but what's worse is that the entire experience at the doctor's was EMBARRASSING to the max.

He speaks, no he bellows at me and I almost died on the spot. Not from the pain in my leg, but more from the pain in my heart. Whatever dignity I had was reduced to naught when he requested to speak to my mother. ON THE PHONE. :O

here goes the interesting convo between them:
LOUD DOCTOR: okay so why didn't your daughter see a doctor earlier?! the wound is BAD and it's leaky! Did you see the wound?!

mum: yes yes i saw it but i didn't dare to do anything because i am scared. she didn't want to see a doctor cause she said it's a small wound and that the doctor will laugh at her if she goes.

LD: WHAT?! OF COURSE NOT! HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT?! IT'S A DOCTOR'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF ANY PATIENT! AND THIS IS SERIOUS. YADAYADAYADA.
*at this point, i slapped my forehead and wished i was dead or deaf cause he was SCREAMING for the whole world to hear.*

mum: okay okay i understand. so how is she? does she have to do anything?

LD: YES! SHE MUST CHECK HER TEMPERATURE EVERY HOUR! IF SHE HAS A FEVER, SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. AND SHE HAS TO COME BACK ON SATURDAY!

okay at this point, i was distraught and i couldn't wait to get out of his stupid clinic. apparently, kambing heard EVERYTHING from the outside and he was laughing his head off when i went out. argh!

and that idiotic doctor spelt my name as YAU MIN. when i pointed that out and apologised, he went all loud again and said "OH NO NO OF COURSE IT'S OKAY! DON'T APOLOGISE! HELLO NURSE, CAN U REPRINT EVERYTHING AGAIN? IT'S YOU MIN NOT YAU MIN! YOU MIN! YOU MIN!"

okay, i totally understand that he hates me for my awful handwriting and the fact that he has to reprint all the labels and MC. but he really didn't have to be so sarcastic man ;(

i want to sleep already. MEH.